i can't believe i had my finger in that
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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