I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
