you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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