1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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