Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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