I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
