I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
