i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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