I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
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