I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
