I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
