my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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