My friends, they love my intelligence
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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