So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
