wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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