worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
