Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
