Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
There are leaves in my underwear?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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