I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
