People in love make me want to vomit
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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