she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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