he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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