Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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