why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
