i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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