Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
