its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
