Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I need a beard to bite.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
