You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
