from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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