you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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