yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize