even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
