its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
