Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I forget how to act sober
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
