I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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