I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
