he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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