so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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