I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
