There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize