dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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