I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
