there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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