I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize