I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
