What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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