Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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