we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
