So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
