I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
