you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize