the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
