he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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