I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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