I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
